I now have a plan for what I will do after I teach. Before I sat down to do focused research and thinking, I only had vague notions, and because the path was unknown it was causing a good deal of dread. Most importantly, I have examined and rooted out these two assumptions, both of which I now find ridiculous: 1) I would only work part time the rest of my life and 2) I would be someone’s employee.
First off, I came to realize that don’t really mind working hard or working long hours; instead, I mind being exploited, especially when I was grieving the loss of so many family members. Last year there was a fog in my mind preventing me from executing ever the simplest tasks. Yet In that environment, as a debate coach, I was working many 80 hour+ weeks in situations of sleep deprivation, around very competitive, pushy people. They will too busy glorifying their egos to leave me be, let alone show real, lasting sympathy. It was without a doubt the worst year of my life so far.
So even though I had quit coaching debate, I was left in a defensive crouch that lasted most of this year. I had identified work as the problem, and have really expanded the scope of my believe in daoist inspired non-action. But when I started to think about other, happier times, I realized that in many of them I had put in a lot of work. I like to challenge myself. I like having things to do and think about. Hoping to make sense of life and its trajectory, and with some combination of caffeine and walking through the woods, I had vision quests which made me give up the idea that I had to be some semi-retired guy. I could go out and play the games of life, and even go for a big pile of the chips. (But stay more focused on the game-play than the fruit of the action -- see Bhagavad Gita)
Also, I became reacquainted with the effective altruism movement, which I had only brushed up against when reading things from the rationality movement. At this time, I still was still unconsciously holding on to idea #2 -- that I would be someone else’s employee. So for a few days my plan was to go see how I could become some kind of Lumbergh somewhere, and even though I knew that would be wrong, again, it would all be a kind of game -- and I would make it all legitimate by giving a good deal of my income to an effective charity, following what 80,000 hours calls the “earn-to-give” model. This idea gave me great joy because it seemed like a way to beat the absurd universe that allows the rat-race to continue. As Peter Singer puts it “ “Becoming an effective altruist gives you that meaning and fulfillment. It enables you to have a solid basis for self-esteem on which you can feel your life was really worth living.”
For a few days, I was left buzzing with this as a life plan. But then plan got even better when I realized I might be time to work for myself -- something that was already a life goal of mine. I just didn’t think I was ready for it. Again, I had no real reason, just examined believes. I thought I wasn’t good enough at anything, and would need a lot of time to learn some new, big skill to be ready/worthy.
But if all the losses I have suffered have shown me anything, it is that there is no point in living some kind of deferred life plan. One, life is too short. But more importantly, when you die is unpredictable, so there is no guarantee that you will get to enjoy the fruits of your sacrifice. My pursuit of extreme frugality will give me a double buffer in going after this dream. First, my savings will last longer, and secondly, I will need to take home far less than most people to support myself.So it is settled. Next year I will go after my goal of working for myself as a freelance writer.
