Likewise, it is very easy to take a project and push yourself too far in its pursuit. And this becomes especially dangerous when the project is self-selected.
I am taking a day off from physical work today because I felt I had to pull up all the perennial grass in a vegetable bed. Secondly, I have been working toward my million word challenge in Spanish. I wrote yesterday about finding an addictive way to go by reading lots of bits and pieces from Spanish wikipedia. And that is how I became my own machine, spending a large chunk of my break serving my own made-up goal.
My biggest problem with me becoming my own machine isn't really the risk of pain or injury, however. It is the way I become locked in and unsatisfied. Let's look at both in turn.
Locked in.
I narrow in what I am doing in such a way that I am not receptive to the world. A person can come in and try to talk to me, and I am not present for them. Even my wife. And while I see everyone around me prone to this same problem, that doesn't make it right, especially if I have the means to do better. If instead of working on something "addictive," I spend that time on a pleasant stroll about the garden or gently reading a book, then I am not locked in, but instead open to others. I am a better person in those moments I am not locked in.
Unsatisfied.
Having over 50,000 words toward a million word challenge doesn't make me feel more satisfied -- at least not until I consciously reflect on that. Instead, it leads to head games where I somehow try to figure out how to do get the rest now. And of course that is impossible, so my addict brain tries to make myself believe 100,000 will be fine, just get that. . .
Making the content super-interesting only increases the sense of feeling incomplete. All the sudden, I have 20 tabs open. When I was not reading, I feel like I should be. Being a machine makes you feel jittery.
The Dao to the Rescue.
Instead of getting back on the treadmill today, I drank a cup of coffee and started walking through my garden. It felt some pleasant, so aimless, so complete, that I came inside and felt cured of all my longings. So instead I reread a bit of the Tao Te Ching I had hand copied.I followed my own advise about going into the silence, and as usual, I did not regret it.
